She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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