Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
