Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
