you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
