she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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