it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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