ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
