I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize