I cockslap morals
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
