She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You ruined the universe
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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