I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
