I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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