you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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