Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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