Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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