I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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