Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
