Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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