giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i think i have two assholes
The best revenge is premature balding
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
