you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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