He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
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Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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