Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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