Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
