If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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