Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
