just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
