meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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