First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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