so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
