Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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