so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
