my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
