Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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