That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
