Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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