my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
