the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
