his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
