I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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