Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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