I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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