we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
