cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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