get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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