i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
