Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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