guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
