So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
