I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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