your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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