Your face is a jimmy john
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
