He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
