Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
