she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize