Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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