I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
