Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
