I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize