Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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