you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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