We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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